


The Complex and Ironic Relationship Between Dave Strider and Terezi Pyrope, As Well As Their Guardians

by DoctorV



Series: Everyone Is Happy And No One Dies: A Series About Life After Apocalypses And Godhood OR Winners' Circle [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, F/M, Fluff, Other, Post-Sburb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-05-11
Updated: 2011-05-12
Packaged: 2017-10-19 06:58:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/198177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorV/pseuds/DoctorV
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>See title. Post-game happy ending AU where everyone's alive, including lusi and human guardians. (Sequel to "The Courting of Eridan Ampora By One John Egbert, Involving Whales"...in the sense that it's happening at about the same time.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Secrets of Being Cool

**Author's Note:**

  * For [genericuser2](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=genericuser2).



> After I wrote "The Courting of Eridan..." someone suggested writing about what everyone else was up to. Well okay, specifically they suggested Dave and Terezi and their guardians, I added the "everyone else" part.
> 
> Best guesstimate, the Dave and Terezi portion of the story will be in three parts, possibly with a Bro and Dragon Mom intermission. Series to be named once I think of something better than "Post-Game Happy Ending AU." :P

If Bro is at all phased by the fact that he now has _two_ Daves to deal with, and one of them is a glow-in-the-dark orange feathery asshole, he doesn't show it. He just tilts his head in acknowledgment, holds out a fist, and says "Sup."

Davesprite bumps the fist and nods back. "Time shenanigans."

"Cool."

Dave just clears a spot in his room and provides the blankets Davesprite asks for while building a blanket nest to sleep in. Dave only says something about it once and Davesprite claims irony as an excuse and they both ignore the fact that Davesprite still caws sometimes when he talks. It just wouldn't be cool to make a federal fucking deal about it.

Bro also remains unphased by Dave's art-buddy/fan/girlfriend/what-the-fuck-is-this-even-Rez being a little grey alien with candy corn horns and about a million fucking shark teeth. Terezi on the other hand, when presented with a double dose of coolkid, fakes a swoon. Dave obligingly lets himself be fake-swooned on.

What does finally get to Bro is Terezi's lusus. Dave knows Bro has been gotten to because he raised his eyebrows. Both of them. At the same time. Those pale-ass fuckers just peeking over Bro's shades to get a good look at the fucking dragon Terezi calls "Mom" and give her a completely unironic semaphore "sup?"

When Bro meets Rezi's dragon-mom, the eyebrows make their appearance and Bro holds out a hand near the lusus's nose and tolerates the excited sniffing. Dragon Mom cackles just like Terezi, apparently, and has just as many, if not more, wickedly sharp teeth. When Dave tells Rez he can see the resemblance, she just cackles and leans in close to sniff his shirt. Dave is wearing red a lot more often these days. Sometimes, if he feels like messing with Terezi, he'll wear no red at all except for a pair of socks or a wristband pushed under his sleeve and then watch her go nuts trying to figure out where the color is.

The day Dave learns just how phased by Rezi's mom Bro is is a day like any other. Sun getting low in the sky, temperature straddling the fence between the cool of spring and the sweltering heat of summer, Bro walks past just as cool and casual as a smooth ninja motherfucker like him is capable of. It's only because Dave is used to this level of cool that he notices what Bro has in his hand.

Dave can't remember for sure if it was an ironic gift from himself or if Bro had acquired it for the sake of, again, irony. However it came to enter the Strider household, Bro has a cowboy hat in his hand. As cowboy hats go, it's pretty classy: white with a thin black band and not stereotype-tall. To Dave's knowledge, Bro has only actually worn it in public once. A shitty little gig for some assholes who kept demanding he play Garth Brooks, quit interrupting it with that fuckin' scratchy stuff, and were too wasted to get the joke of the hat resting low on the DJ's head. Bro had come back from the gig and dropped the hat on Dave's head, sitting on the couch next to the younger Strider and making Dave promise not to let him go to another shithole like that without calling ahead first to make sure they knew who and what they had booked.

Now Bro has the hat in his hand and is heading for the door, so Dave says, "Where you goin', Bro?"

Bro pauses, not even turning to look at him as he answers. "Roof. I'm makin' this happen." Then he's out the door before Dave can ask anything else.

A window is open and he hears a screeching cackle from outside. Dots connect in his mind and arrive at "no fucking way," so Dave launches himself over the back of the couch and hurries out the door and up the stairs as fast as his battle-honed reflexes can manage.

He bursts through the door to the roof and nearly runs into Terezi, but turns his momentum into a smooth side-step and comes to a halt beside her with his arms loosely crossed over his chest to show just how much shit is not being given by him. Bro is standing on the middle of the roof staring up at Dragon Mom, who is giggling and cackling as she sits down in front of him. Dave isn't sure how Bro managed it, but she's wearing a pair of pointy shades exactly like Bro's except several sizes bigger.

"Bro," Dave says, not quite gritting his teeth. Because gritting your teeth is not cool. Because he refuses to actually say the words "don't do this, Bro, don't embarrass me like this."

"I've taught you a lot about irony, little bro," his guardian replies easily. "I've taught you the secrets of being cool. Here's a new one for you to watch and learn: being too cool to give a shit what people think."

His mouth is tilted upward in a way that's just on the cool side of not-quite a giddy grin. Removing his cap, he tosses it to Rezi with a muttered "Here you go, kid." Then he holds up the cowboy hat and sets it on his head, adjusting it like he has all the time in the world, sliding his fingers along the front edge of the brim. He and Dragon Mom exchange a fistbump and then Bro does an acrobatic fucking pirouette right onto her back. Rezi's mom shrieks with laughter and launches into the air.

The first circle around the roof that they do, Bro waves his cowboy hat with one hand and shouts "YEE- _haw_!"

Dave stares off into the horizon, ignoring the spectacle through force of will, and mutters "So this is what people mean when they talk about dying of embarrassment."

Meanwhile, Terezi jams Bro's cap on her head, maneuvering around her horns with surprising grace for someone who never wears hats. "Hey Dave," she giggle-cackles. "Am I cool now?"

"Yeah, Rezi," Dave says in a monotone, glancing at her so he won't have to watch their respective guardians. "I'm dead from embarrassment and Bro's whoopin' it up with Puff the Magic Lusus up there, so by default you are the coolkid. It's you."

Terezi pumps her fists. "Yes! Wait, what about Davesprite?" She jerks a thumb over her shoulder and Davesprite, just a few feet away, tilts his head in acknowledgment.

How a glowing, floating version of himself managed to escape Dave's attention is beyond him, so he just says, "Disqualified on account of being a feathery asshole."

A glowing orange-white tail smacks him upside the head and only a quick grab saves his shades from falling to the rapidly-cooling concrete of the roof. Terezi looks up, sniffing rapidly and grinning with every last one of her fucking teeth.

"Is this a normal part of human courtship?" she asks suddenly. "Riding on the back of your intended?"

Everything in Dave grinds to a halt and the seconds pass _tick-tick-tick_ on the forefront of his awareness. After a handful of those ticking seconds tapdance over his brain, he turns his head upward to watch what she's smelling. "I think, on top of everything else, handling what you just implied is not something I'm capable of. So we're gonna table that implication for later discussion, m'kay?"

Terezi grabs his arm and hugs it to her front, leaning against him all warm and soft and pretty grey alien girl over sharp edges. "Whatever you say, Coolkid," she cackles.


	2. Ironically Ever After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Okay, apparently the secret to getting hits is to write Dave/Terezi. Noted. XD Thank you, everyone, for your comments and kudos.
> 
> This section came to an end much sooner than I expected and that's kind of throwing my guesstimates off. I have notes, you see. Pieces of story, written on paper during work, that I haven't typed up and incorporated into the whole yet. What does this mean? Well, either the third part will be WAY longer than both of these or I'll end up doing two intermissions. Because I am determined to write a piece about Bro and Dragon Mom, you just KNOW that shit would be awesome. But at the same time, I don't know that the scene I've named "Barely Legal Troll Justice" will fit anywhere in the body of the next part.
> 
> TL/DR: IDK WHAT I'M DOING, LET'S TAKE THIS JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY WITH ME, WON'T YOU?!  
> Oh right, and while I was flailing and babbling, I forgot to say anything about this section specifically. Here you go: freaky mutant grub-babies. INTRIGUED?!

The hardest part of getting Terezi into law school, oddly enough, is convincing her that maiming people is not within the duties of a lawyer. She thinks the system could use an overhaul in that regard and assures him that she is "ON TH3 C4S3, H3H3H3." Dave briefly considers feeling sorry for the justice system for the heaping helping of Terezi Pyrope it's about to have shoveled down its throat. Then he thinks of all the lawyers and lawmakers dragging their heels legalizing human/troll marriage and decides fuck it, they brought this on themselves.

Not that he has a personal stake in that matter, of course. But he'd like for his paradox slime-sister to get her happy-ever-after with her gal-pal, and the looming Egbert-Ampora nuptials are going to be a bit of a downer for John if he doesn't get to have his magical, fairytale Disney princess wedding complete with legally binding "I do"s. Hell, his best bro even managed to snag an actual prince, literal alien royalty, and who the fuck even saw _that_ coming? Just out of the blue one day, "hey dave, i'm dating a fishy hipster toolbag! derp derp! :D"

Dave...is okay with it as long as it makes John happy.

So no, it doesn't directly affect him that he can't get all matrimonial with a candy corn-horned alien. He just doesn't want to see any Egderp tears. He and Terezi are just fine cohabiting, and occasionally falling into bed together, or recouperacoon. Though "occasionally" is becoming more like "every night."

Nevermind that Terezi's starting to get mail that's addressed to "Mrs. Terezi Strider." Or sometimes "Mrs. Teri Strider." Or "Mrs. Tejana/Tranquilla/Tavita/Tanana-Fana-Fo-Zana Strider" or whatever the fuck those junkmail dumpasses mangle her alien syllables into.

If he sometimes finds himself brushing her hair to the side and kissing the back of her neck while she's poring over her thick braille books (because no one wants to buy back books covered in alien slobber), even rubbing her shoulders a little, it's because he can't resist the irony. Play-acting at that lovey-dovey bullshit that John probably gets off on, being a modern-day June and Ward with their rodentiae-nicknamed spawn of two-point-whatever freaky human/troll hybrids.

It's as he realizes he's inhaling deeply with his nose buried in thick alien hair and his lips pressed to hard alien skin, contemplating what their mutant babies would look like, that he stops to wonder if the real irony here is that...he _likes_ this. He _wants_ those freak-babies with their red eyes and sharp fangs and weird grey-tinted albino skin. He wants to wrap his arms around his hot alien babe, who can sniff out his bullshit from a mile away and laugh about it or call him on it. He wants to hold her and rest his cheek on top of her head and close his eyes and be about as content as a coolkid can unironically manage.

So he does.

Terezi shifts, the sharp lines of her body spelling out confusion, but not rejection. "Daaave?" she drawls in that tone that means she's grinning with all her scary shark teeth. Most people don't even realize she has tones that _aren't_ that one.

Dave decides that yes, this _is_ ironic. It's a twisted fucking happy-ever-after, and it's his, so it's ironic. "I want to make hideous alien grub-babies with you," he tells her, feeling her hand touch one of the arms wrapped around her and lightly stroke it.

"Can we make John and Karkles make them with ectobiology?" she asks, halfway to a cackle.

Hiding a smirking grin against her hair, he mumbles, "Anything for you, Snookums."

That finishes letting loose the hyena cackle and she hugs his arms, nose sniffing double-time. "Okay! After I pass the bar, we ask them to help us turn our slurry into grubs! Professional humans like that, right? Having grubs is a sign of maturity and stability in human society?"

"It'll be perfect camouflage for you."

Terezi cackles again and Dave lets go of her to rub her shoulders some more and ask what she wants for dinner. That's one of the things about his girl Rezi that's perfect, they've got this _Princess Bride_ thing going where he can say he wants to be her grub-baby-daddy and she knows exactly what he means.

Because species don't mean jackshit when it comes to these things, and he's pretty sure there's no human alive or dead in the history of humanity who could be his Terezi. So maybe he has a little more at stake in the justice system she's trying to shake up than he likes to admit.

He's still pretty sure that whatever Bro and Rezi's mom have going on technically counts as bestiality, though.


End file.
